Stages of the Relationship

Once a mentor's relationship with a mentee moves past its start, it will go through three stages before it ends. Understanding what happens during each of these stages will help you keep the relationship on course & prevent surprises.

Stage 1: Developing rapport and building trust.

This is the most critical stage of the relationship. In it you'll get to know your mentee. Most importantly, you'll establish trust, which is crucial for the success of the relationship. Things to expect and things to do during this stage include:

• Be predictable and consistent, even if your mentee isn't.
• Expect testing. Young people often use testing as a coping or defense mechanism to determine whether they can trust you.
• Establish confidentiality.
• Set goals. Set both goals for the mentoring relationship and personal goals for the mentee. Help your mentee define and set specific goals and develop a plan for reaching them.

A discussion of Stage 1 in the mentoring relationship would not be complete without mentioning an issue you will most certainly encounter: diversity. Differences between you and your mentee will pop up. Instead of viewing diversity as an obstacle, use it to learn something from your mentee. Addressing the following differences, plus any others you notice, will help your mentee become a well-adjusted adult in a multicultural world. Possible differences include:

• Language
• Personality
• Race/Ethnicity
• Age- youth culture
• Interests
• Religion
• Sexuality
• Values
• Geography - where you and your mentee were born and live now

Stage 2: The middle - reaching goals.

During this stage, the mentor and mentee can begin to start working towards the goals they set during Stage 1. Things that may happen during this stage include:

• Expect to feel closeness. The mentor and mentee will begin to sense a genuine closeness in the relationship.
• Affirm the uniqueness of the relationship. Do something special or different than you and your mentee did during the first stage.
• Understand that the relationship may be rocky or smooth. Be prepared for rough periods, and realize that they don't necessarily signal that something is wrong with the relationship.
• Rely on staff/resource support. Also use POL mentor support groups.

Stage 3: Closure

At some point, many relationships will come to an end for some reason. When this happens, it is critical that the closure stage not be overlooked. Make sure to do the following to ensure a healthy ending:

• Identify natural emotions, such as grief, denial and resentment. Model appropriate behavior. Express your feelings and emotions about the relationship ending, and then ask your mentee to do the same.
• Provide opportunities for saying goodbye in a healthy, respectful and affirming way. Don't wait for the very last meeting with your mentee to say goodbye. Don't forget to acknowledge your mentee for all that s/he has accomplished, and celebrate your successes.
• Address appropriate situations for staying in touch, if applicable.